ThE SeVeRuS SnApE FaN cLuB
by Lady Lianna Kari
Summary: Harry gets tired of Snape making digs at his fame, so he decides to get even. Not a Slash. References of abuse.
1. Revenge

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The Severus Snape Fan CLub

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Harry glared at the tall, silky raven-haired potions master for the umteenth time. As things at Hogwarts had hit an all time low, the dour potions master wasn't helping matters by his venomous behavior toward him. Still reeling from the sneering comments about his fame from earlier, he stabbed his kidney pie viciously.

"Maybe he wouldn't be so glib if he knew what it felt like," Harry muttered. Ducking his head to avoid his narcissistic DADA teacher Gilderoy Lockhart, Harry decided that, for once, he wasn't going to let this pass. For once Harry James Potter was going to have his revenge. He grinned evilly at his plate.

"Hey, Fred…George," He called to Ron's brothers.

...

Severus Snape was in a foul mood. He had seen that miserable whelp's expression during dinner earlier that week, and knew it boded ill for him. As he slammed the door open into his potions class, he was met by two gasps.

"Could it be?"

"No way, but dare we hope?"

"Great Merlin, it is!"

"It's him! I can't believe I'm standing in the same room with him!" One of the twin Weasleys said in an enthusiastic tone. Severus whirled around and scanned the room to ensure the brat-who-lived wasn't in the room. Seeing noone but his typical classroom of third year Gryffindors and Slytherins, he strode toward the red-headed idiots. They emmitted twin gasps.

"Fred! I think…he's approaching us!"

"I can't breathe…you ask him!"

"Merlin…merlin…merlin!"

The two gaped at the approaching man in…reverence and awe? _What the hell is wrong with those two?!_ Suddenly, one of the twins gave an high pitched squeal and toppled from his chair. The other hopped on the balls of his feet excitedly and thrust a parchment and quill at the speechless potions master.

"Can we have your autograph?"

Snape gaped. "What?" He snapped in surprise.

"Please? Just one? Fred and I can share. Please?" The still sitting twin looked up expectantly.

Severus raised a brow. "What are you going on about, Mr Weasley?"

"Well, Fred and I are members of your fan club. We love your work! All those awesome potions. You truly _are_ an inspiration, sir. Please can we have an autograph?"

Severus stared for a few moments…and snorted. "Five points from Gryffindor for wasting my time."

The twin that had just risen from the floor gasped loudly. "I am _so_ jealous. You got points taken by _the _Severus Snape!"

Snape growled.

"Oooh, do that again. That sounded so sexy," Lee Jordan said with a sigh. The Slytherins gasped. A pink tinge appeared on Severus's cheeks.

"Fine," he snapped. "I'll sign your stupid paper! But I don't want to hear another word about this foolish fan club thing!"

Severus scrawled his signature and thrust the paper at the twins, who grinned happily.

"Harry's going to be _so_ jealous," Fred smirled.

Severus whirled. "And, what exactly, does Potter have to do with this?" He said in a low, dangerous tone.

George looked up innocent. "Why, he's president of your fan club, sir."

Snape fainted.

**One week later:**

"Albus? You're going to have to do something about your golden bo—oh no!" Severus stared in horror. There, sitting in the headmaster's chair, was Albus Percival Wolfric Brian Dumbledore, wearing a silky black wig over his long, silver locks.

"What's the problem, Severus?" The headmaster asked nonchalantly, but his eyes twinkled.

Severus huffed. "I can't go anywhere without those dunderheads asking for my autograph or picture…Creevey has blinded me countless time with that infernal contraptions of his…over half of the student body is wearing those stupid wigs…and Potter! Potter is walking around wearing my…er, clothes like mine, in addition! If you don't put a stop to this, headmaster, the Dark Lord won't have to worry about the infernal brat's survival; I'll take care of him myself!"

"Oh, Severus. Don't worry. It's a phase, I'm sure. The students will find something else to devote their interest in. I, for one, believe this is good for you."

Severus spluttered. "GOOD?!"

"Indeed. Now you know how Harry feels about the entire unwanted fame thing."

"I doub—oh," Severus finished. For the first time, the entire incident made sense. "Why that sneaky, little—"

"Slytherin? Yes, the sorting hat told me that it wanted to place Harry there. Perhaps now, you'll think twice before making digs on Harry's fame?"

Severus gave a crisp nod and turned to leave.

"Oh and Severus? Could I have an autograph?"


	2. Evolution

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The Severus Snape Fan CLub

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* * *

"Potter!" Severus spat as he approached a child wearing a silky black wig.

The spawn turned slowly and smiled innocently. "Yes, sir?"

Severus gestured toward Potter's chest. "What the hell is _that_?"

The cheeky brat beamed at him! He was wearing a black T-shirt with yellow letters that read:

**I Have a Thing for Greasy Potions Masters**

"Do you like it? I patented the idea. Isn't it wicked? You can have one for free, if you sign my shirt."

"Idiot! I will never…in a hundred million years, sign your wretched shirt, Potter!"

The spawn shrugged. "That's cool. Hey, do you think in a hundred million years, you'll be able to recognize sonar?"

Snape spluttered. "What?"

"You know…if you're not going to sign my shirt for that long, perhaps your offspring will evolve into detecting sonar. That would be really wicked! That could be one of the quirks of your bloodline, kind of like Slytherin talking to snakes. You could talk to bats…and whales…and porpoises!" Harry chattered happily.

Snape pinched his nose. "Detention, Potter! Merlin, save me from inane Gryffindor chatter boxes."

Severus spun to walk away from the brat when he was startled by a whoop.

The Potter brat actually had the audacity to run into the Grand Hall, shouting. "HEY, EVERYONE! I GOT A DETENTION FROM _THE_ SEVERUS SNAPE! GO, ME!"

Severus blinked twice. Then he spun on his heels, snarling.

"ALBUS!"

…

Severus snarled angrily as he stalked into his classroom. Every seat was filled with detentionees.

"Potter!" He spat.

The whelp wriggled eagerly in his seat. "Yes, Professor?"

Snape sneered. "You will be dissecting Flobberworms."

Potter grinned magnanimously. "Anything for _you,_ sir."

Severus groaned. "The rest of you will be rupturing bat spleens! Get to work!"

After twenty minutes of 'Wicked, I splattered Seamus with spleen' and 'Sweet, my hands are stained like a greasy potions master' Severus fought the urge to bang his head on his desk.

After ten more agonizing minutes…

"Clean up your stations, and GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

The twin Weasleys stared in with an awed expression. "Whoa. You're even scarier than Mum. Can you teach us?"

"Out. OUT! GET OUT NOW!" As the classroom emptied, Severus banged his head on his desk. "Happy now, Potter?" He asked the silent classroom.

"Not really. I still want that autograph, sir."

Severus lifted his head from the desk so quickly, he felt his neck pop. "Potter! What part of 'get out' do you not comprehend?"

"Um…the get part?"

Severus lifted his eyes in exasperation. "Leave, Potter! Now!"

The brat walked halfway across the classroom, spun, and said, "Do you think I can have a detention tomorrow, too? I can't think of any better way to waste my time than to spend it in a classroom with a famous potions master."

Severus pointed to the door. "Out, Potter!"

The cheeky brat grinned and billowed out of the classroom.

Snape stared. "What?"

…

"He stole my walk, Albus!" Severus snarled. "Insolent brat billowed right out of my class room like he owned it!"

"Calm yourself, Severus. It isn't that bad. I could think of worse people for Harry to emulate. Now if you'll excuse me, Severus, I have a meeting with Cornelius." The headmaster donned his silky wig and billowed from his office.

Severus pulled his hair and screamed.


	3. Snape's President

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The Severus Snape Fan CLub

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* * *

Sevrerus Snape billowed down the corridor to breakfast in the Great Hall, sneering at the sea of silky, black-wigged heads. Making his displeasure public knowledge, he stabbed his eggs viciously and slammed his goblet to the table. He raked his napkin across his lips and flung it to the table. The napkin fell off the table and floated to the floor.

Longbottom picked it up and waved it excitedly. "I can't believe it! Severus Snape's lips touched this!" Suddenly, Longbottom was tackled as dozens of students, male and female, fought over claim of the napkin. Longbottom crawled from beneath the pile and sprinted from the hall, clutching the 'priceless' artifact to his chest.

Severus groaned and covered his eyes with his hands. He lifted his gaze in time to catch the eye of one bespeckled wig-wearer with emerald eyes. One green eye winked.

Severus stood. _That does it!_

"POTTER!"

...

"This is _great_. A private detention with _the_ Severus Snape!" The brat grinned cheekily as he followed the seething potions master to the dungeons. As soon as they were in the office, Severus slammed the door, causing several pickled jars to shatter. Potter looked up eagerly as Severus read the boy's latest T-shirt:

**I'M A Very Sexy, Greasy Git**

Severus sighed. "How much do you want, Potter? To end this?"

The brat had the nerve to look scandalized. "Excuse me? Are you _actually_ trying to bribe the president of the Severus Snape Fan Club? How _dare_ you! _Who _do you think you are?!"

"Severus Snape," Severus replied dryly.

Potter's eyes widened in mock-realization. "Merlin's pants! I'm standing in the dungeons classroom alone with _the_ Severus Snape! Wicked! Can I have your autograph?"

"POTTER!"

* * *

"Severus, Severus. Fame is a fickle friend…remember that."

Severus clenched his fists to prevent himself from socking the moron's teeth out. Lockhart continued, oblivious.

"Celebrity is as celebrity does. Of course, you have quite some time before you get as famous as me…why, I was just telling young Harry—"

_Imbecile! I can't even see how Potter puts up with this cognitively inept swine!_

"—few ideas for your potions—"

_I'll obliviate him and stuff him in the back of Weasley's Ford Angola before I let him within a hundred yards of my private potions lab, the incompetent fool!_

"By the way, would you mind signing my new T-shirt, Severus?"

"AAAAAALLLLLLBBBBBBUUUUUUSSSSSSSSS!!!!!"

* * *

"I'm going to murder him, Albus! If you don't put a stop to this—"

"Relax, my boy. It's perfectly harmless—"

Severus's eyes bulged. "Harmless? _Harmless?!_ Half of the school's student body fought over a bloody table napkin—"

"I'm well aware of the incident, Severus. To be honest, I'm rather pleased that they have this little distraction from the monster attacks. Don't let it bother you, Severus. Just try and keep an open mind. Take it all in stride. Who knows, perhaps it will be beneficial…perhaps it will come to serve a purpose—"

Severus stared at a hankerchief on the headmaster's desk. "Headmaster, isn't that mine?"

"Oh, Severus. You threw it away last week. You don't want it back—"

"Of course not! I'm just wondering…what you're doing with it?"

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "Harry offered me a hundred hundred galleons to find—"

"Damn it, Albus!"

"I'll split the money with you—"

"THAT'S NOT THE POINT!"


	4. Dueling Snape

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The Severus Snape Fan CLub

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* * *

Severus groaned as he studied the Potter brat's latest T-Shirt:

_**I Love Potions Class  
My Teacher is BATMAN**_

"Potter!"

The whelp turned toward him, grinning cheekily. "Yes, Fessor?"

Severus winced. "Come by my office at seven. We need to discuss your potions grade."

Potter's emerald eyes sparkled happily. "Sure thing, Fessor."

…

"_Expelliarmus!" _Severus cast toward his opponent, hitting Lockhart squarely in the chest and sending him sailing across the platform. Silence ensued for a moment, and then—

A cacophony of applause erupted through the hall led by none other than Harry James Potter. "That was bloody wicked, Professor Snape!" Harry cried enthusiastically. "Do it again!"

Severus smirked at the hopping child. "Potter, please restrain your enthusiasm. I'd hate to have to send you to the hospital wing for a calming drought. And five points from Gryffindor for your language."

"Sweet! Can I duel you next?" Several gasps rang through the crowded students.

Severus's eyes widened at the spawn's audacity. Then he allowed himself a small, evil grin. "Certainly."

"Wicked! I get to duel _the_ Severus Snape! Go me!"

Severus rolled his eyes. Sometime _today_, Potter!"

"Severus, I don't think this is a good—" Lockhart stammered.

"Quiet, you overgrown fashion doll! This doesn't concern you."

Potter stepped on the stage excitedly, his eyes shining his enthusiasm. _I never pegged Potter for such a good actor, _Severus mused. They did their formal bows and went through the paces, spun and selected their stances.

"Count, Guilderoy," Severus commanded.

"B-b-but Severus," Lockhart stuttered.

"Now, Lockhart," Severus snapped.

"Um, very well. One…Two…Three!"

_"Expelliarmus!"_ Harrys shouted.

_"Protego! Stupefy!"_ Severus yelled in rapid succession, blocking Potter's disarming charm and Stunning him. Potter's small body flew across the platform and skidded several meters. Severus approached the horizontal form. _Justice, _Severus smirked. Potter blinked stupidly as Severus made a nonverbal spell. Potter's body lifted in the air by the ankle, his robes flipped over the boys head, exposing well-worn graying undershorts. The Slytherins howled in laughter as Severus dropped Potter in shock.

"Ouch," Potter complained as he landed awkwardly in a heap. The child stood, redfaced from a mixure of blood rushing to his head and embarassment. Potter righted himself, his ears red, and stared at the frozen potions master.

Potter blinked twice, his facial muscles working. Then quite suddenly, he smiled. "That was wicked, Professor! What spells did you use?"

Severus groaned. _Doesn't **anything** affect this boy?_ He sighed. "The first spell was a basic shielding charm. The second was a stunner. Actually, I'm mildly impressed you remained conscious afterwards."

The brat blinked, surprised at the compliment.

"The third is a spell I'd prefer not to teach you," he sneered. "You're enough like your—" Severus stopped himself as a flash of an upside down Potter in moldy undershorts filled his vision. He cleared his throat. "Lockhart!" He snapped.

"Huh?"

Severus rolled his eyes. "How eloquent! Perhaps it would be prudent to teach the students how to block unfriendly spells?"

"Er…an excellent suggestion, Professor Snape! Longbottom, how about you and Potter—"

Severus snorted. _Potter may be a dunderhead, but Longbottom is still no match for him. Now Draco—_

…

Harry kicked his trunk angrily as he slouched on the bed. It was the worst day he'd ever had in his stay at Hogwarts. Not only had Snape humiliated him in front of the entire dueling club by hanging him upside down, but also half the school believed he was the heir of Slytherin because of the incident with Malfoy's snake. He glared resentfully at all of the Snape memorabilia.

But as he thought about it, Snape didn't use the situation to his advantage like he could have. As soon as he saw Harry's shorts, he dropped him immediately. It seemed that Snape was surprised by what he saw. Harry blushed at the memory. His glare softened slightly as he remembered the gift he had snuck on Snape's desk before the dueling club meeting.

Harry grinned suddenly. He was finding that he actually enjoyed the Severus Snape Fan Club.

…

Severus stared at the chocolate frog box warily. He performed all of the spell-checks to ensure there were no curses, charms, or hexes. He prodded the box.

"Limited Edition Chocolate Frog? I didn't know they made such a thing," he scoffed. He flicked his wand and the box opened, causing the frog to leap across the desk. He stared in shock at his own likeness scowling back at him from the Chocolate Frog Card. He turned it over.

_

* * *

_

_**Severus Tobias Snape  
**__**January 6, 1960-Present**_

_**Ex-Death Eater, Potions Master Severus Tobias Snape is perhaps the most fascinating  
famous wizards of the twentieth century. He is greasy, snarky, and bizarrely beautiful with  
his familiar sallow skin and his endearing hook-nose. And the reason why he's famous?  
"Because he's so bloody awesome!" Harry Potter commented, a perfectly unremarkable child  
and president of the Severus Snape's super cool fan club. "He's like a world famous chef,  
brewing all of those neat and exciting potions!"**_

**_

* * *

_**

Severus rolled his eyes and snorted. "Potter's losing his touch if he thinks this will get to me," he smirked. He slid the frog card to the side of his desk and saw a paper on his desk. After he read the first few lines, he snarled and threw Floo powder into his fireplace.

"ALBUS!" He bellowed.

* * *

[Yep…a cliffy. I know. I'm sooo evil. BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA!]


	5. Apprentice

Disclaimer: Harry Potter Books are the intellectual and financial property of J.K. Rowling. I receive no financial compensation for writing fanfiction. I merely get the fantastical pleasure of playing in her world, and you get the pleasure..or displeasure…of reading the result.

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The Severus Snape Fan CLub

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"Absolutely not!" Severus shouted at a calm, older man with a silver beard and sparkling blue eyes. "I decline…I refuse to apprentice that—_that_ incompetant, arrogant, impudent—"

"Calm yourself, Severus. Did you not say so yourself that Harry's Potions grade was improving?"

"_Slightly_, Headmaster. I said slightly. As is everone else's! I never would have thought that that boy's stupid club would have such an effect—"

"So the fan club is a good thing—"

"I DIDN'T SAY THAT! I merely stated that the effects is rather—unexpected."

"I see. Severus, surely you can overlook a childhood grudge in the interests of education—"

"Fine! I'll apprentice _Potter_. But tell anyone, and I'll deny it!"

"And Harry would also benefit from Occulimency—"

"Albus! As hard as this is for you to understand, I don't want to spend more time with the Potter spawn!"

The headmaster said nothing, but his eyes twinkled ominously.

* * *

"Potter!"

"Yes, Professor?"

"As much as I know you _enjoy_ my company," Severus sneered. "I've decided to grant your petition to be my apprentice."

Harry's jaw dropped. It had been a joke. He never expected the dour potions master to grant his petition. He quickly schooled his face. "Wicked! When do we start?"

Severus smirked. _He didn't expect me to grant the petition. Oh, this could be fun. _"We begin on Wednesday, after dinner. Don't be late."

* * *

Severus was in a foul mood. All of the annoying dunderheads were being pleasant to him, leaving no excuse for him to chide, scold, or take off points. Not that it mattered if he did anymore. Nothing he did even managed to phase the brats. He slammed his office door and scowled.

Another Special Edition Chocolate Frog with a note.

_Dear Severus,_

_Harry sent this to me this morning. It was his idea, after the release of your frog card, but I thought you'd enjoy it._

_Albus_

Severus opened the box and gasped. Lily's smiling face met his. With trembling hands, he flipped the card

_Lillian Samantha Potter née Evans  
__(January 30, 1960 - October 31, 1981)_

_The Woman-Who-Died-To -Save-Her-Son. Called Lily by her friends and family, she was an intelligent, beautiful, vivacious witch known for her ability to see the best in people and her genius in charms and potions. Lily Potter saved her infant son by love sacrifice, a rare and old magic. It is due to this selfless act that the wizarding world has the living example of the first ever survivor of the killing curse, evidenced by the lightning-shaped cut on his forehead, a permanent reminder of a mother's love for her son._

Severus wiped his tear-streaked face. "It's about bloody time," he muttered as he opened an ornate carved box on his desk and deposited the card on top of his other Lily memories. Feeling in a much better mood than earlier, he strode to the Garnd Hall for dinner, murmuring a few good eveninings to some students, who gaped in disbelief at the professor whose dark eyes were uncharacteristcally sparkling, his lips twitching.

...

"What's with Snape?" Ron mumbled.

Harry followed Ron's eyes and frowned thoughtfully. "Donno. Tonight is my first lesson with him. He's probably imaging which torture techniques he's going to employ."

Ron smirked. "Has he seen your latest shirt?"

Harry grinned. "Not yet."

* * *

Severus pointed at the brat's shirt. "Potter! What. The Hell. Is That?"

The spawn grinned as he looked down at his black shirt: a cariacture of Snape pinching the bridge of his nose was framed by the words:

**Snarky Gits  
If you can't beat them, ask for their autograph**

"Do you like it? Thousands have already been preordered."

Severus moved to pinch his nose before he stopped mid-gesture, snapping, "PAGE THREE HUNDRED SIXTY-TWO! NO TALKING!"

He slammed his office door open and threw his floo powder.

"ALLLLLLLLLLLLBUUUUUUUUUUUS--" ecchoed down the halls, through the corridors, out the castle, past the grounds, and was heard in the forbidden forest, the train station, and a small village called Hogsmeade.


	6. Potions Prince

Disclaimer: Harry Potter Books are the intellectual and financial property of J.K. Rowling. I receive no financial compensation for writing fanfiction. I merely get the fantastical pleasure of playing in her world, and you get the pleasure..or displeasure…of reading the result.

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The Severus Snape Fan CLub

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Severus Snape sat peacefully in his private quarters, reveling in the silence of the weekend of Potter-free atmosphere. Suddenly, a snowy owl slid down Severus's mail shoot and batted her amber eyes expectantly. Severus strode warily toward the all-too-recognizable owl and untied the envelope from her leg. Scowling, he opened the letter and read.

_To Professor Severus Snape  
From Ragnok, Chief Goblin of Gringotts_

_Professor Snape,_

_May your coffers be lined with wealth. It has come to our attention, after inquiry and request of a very important client of Gringotts, that you are the last remaining blood heir to the Prince inheritance. You have satisfied the last requirements to claim Lordship over the Noble and Ancient House of Prince, the last being receiving three letters of reccomendation from already established Lordships, because the will of Hadrian Prince was never established. To claim your status as Lord of Prince estate, please come to Gringott's no later than May of this year. Please owl us to set up an appointment._

_On a different note, one Mr. H Potter asked us to contact you involving the financial activities of the Severus Snape Fan Club. My congratulations, by the way. Mr Potter informed me that all profit from the Severus Snape Fan Club products are to be donated to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry_ _funding for potions-related activities, to be used to purchase materials and curriculum as the potions master sees fit. Enclosed in this envelope is a cheque for five hundred thousand gal—_

_**Thud.**_

…

"You wanted to see me, Professor?" Emerald eyes inquired expectantly.

Severus Snape waved his owl post.

"Oh. So you got the letter, then," Harry said, beaming.

Snape read the contents aloud. "'I, Lord Harrison James Potter, Lord of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Potter, Lord of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Peverell, Lord of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Gryffindor, do hereby attest to, vouch for, and affirm Lordship of one Severus Tobias Snape over the Noble and Ancient House of Prince.' One question, Potter. Who are _you_, _really_?"

Harry scratched his head. "I don't really understand what you're asking, sir."

"Who swapped _bodies_ with Potter's spawn?"

The incorrigible brat shrugged. "Well, there _was_ that time where that Voldie guy tried to do me in, but that _couldn't _be it, could it? Mostly, all I got was the ability to repeat defense spells from anyone and the ability to talk to snakes. _Who_ wants _those_ abilities, except a parrot? Now the ability to do potions or _invent _spells, _that _would be an _awesome_ transferance of power! Hey! Why don't _you_ try to do me in?" The whelp grinned cheekily.

Severus pinched his nose, absently wondering why the monster was attributing the ability to 'borrow' spells to the Dark Lord, rather than the brat's own father. After all, _that_ was an area that James _Bloody_ Potter was _also_ proficient in, stealing, er, 'borrowing' ideas. Funny though, how the brat would openly admit to it. Snape's eyes widened momentarily. Was it a slip of an unknowing tongue, or did Potter really know that he, Severus, actually invented spells? After all, Potter now knew he was a Prince; perhaps the boy made the connection betwe—no, _that _couldn't be! Where would he have heard the name he had fashioned for himself?

"Yes, well, don't tempt me, Potter. Never _mind_! If you're really interested in Potions, Potter, the only recourse available to you is the old fashioned way. _Learn_ them. That, I gather, is the reason for our little apprenticeship, isn't it? Unless, of course, you admit the only reason you requested the apprenticeship was to annoy me."

The whelp had the grace to wince and blush. _Ah._

"As for inventing spells, my suggestion would be for you to take Arithmancy and Runes, next year. If you don't know what those are, simply ask that know-it-all friend of yours. She could supply you with an adequate list of books on the subject, I'm sure. Just be sure not to invent any_ Dark spells, Potter,"_ He snapped, remembering his weakness from his formative years. _If we don't need another James ponce puttering around, we certainly don't need another me. Me? Is Potter like me?! No possible way! But just in case—_

Potter nodded soberly enough. "Yes, sir."

"Good. Well, since you are here, you might as well start on page—Potter! What the _hell i_s on your shirt _now_?"

The brat stuck out his chest happily. "_This _one is my favorite, actually."

A caricature of the potions master in a strange purple top hat and bow tie juggling different potions instruments and candies, above the caption:

**He's My Willy Wonka**

Severus closed his eyes and counted to ten. Then, he counted to ten, again. And _again_. And _again_. And _again_. And—

His eyes snapped open. "ALBUS!" A lone angry voice echoed, snarling across Scotland.


	7. The Fame Catches Up

Disclaimer: Harry Potter Books are the intellectual and financial property of J.K. Rowling. I receive no financial compensation for writing fanfiction. I merely get the fantastical pleasure of playing in her world, and you get the pleasure..or displeasure…of reading the result.

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The Severus Snape Fan CLub

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* * *

Guilderoy Lockhart stalked past Severus Snape, sulking for some reason. Snape's lips curled into a satisfied smirk. _Anything that ruins that insufferable frauding lout's day makes mine, _he mused, his grin widening. Several students stared incredulously at the unusually cheerful potion master's countenence as he strode into the Great Hall to the table for breakfast.

Things were looking up for Severus Snape. Most of the students had stopped wearing those ridiculus wigs. They were still wearing the stupid shirts whenever they could, but Severus could shrug that off. After all, the majority of proceeds were going to school's potions fund, thanks to one particular Boy-Who-Annoyed-Him-To-No-Ends.

But despite his newly-adopted somewhat indifferent attitude, he could help but listen to the giggles and whispers that filled the Hall. He frowned as he heard the words "Lockhart," "Snape," and "shirt." He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. Whatever was going on, he was certain that Potter's scion was at the center of it. He hurriedly finished his breakfast, no longer in a mood to tarry, and stalked his way toward the dungeon with his trademark billow.

He went through the rest of his classes blissfully ignorant, silencing giggles and whispers with glares in his class, happily docking points and assigning detentions, all to no avail, since the students enjoyed detentions now. So he hoped that his intimidating glares would work a little while longer, because he'd hate to change his teaching style just yet.

Finally, the day was at an end, and Severus patiently awaited the arrival of the Potter brat. Since Potter wore whatever shirt design he planned on selling first, Severus was quite certain he'd find out what the fuss was about.

Sure enough, and early to boot, Potter entered the room with an eager grin. "I'm ready, sir!"

Severus raised a brow at the squirming tween. He sneered. "_Obviously_. Before we continue, I have taken the liberty to search my library. You may borrow these," he drawled.

Potter frowned at the titles. _Beginner Potions Theory, Beginners Guide to Ingredient Preparation, Discovering Ancient Runes, _and _Arithmancy for the Unlearned._ He blinked his surprise. "Thanks, sir."

Severus inclined his head in acknowledgement. "Now, in order to save time, for our next project demands full attention, do explain why your classmates were unable to concentrate in class today."

Potter grinned as he scratched his head sheepishly. "That would be my new shirt logo, sir."

"Oh? Merlin save me from your wretched shirts, Potter! What does it say, _now_?!"

The brat stuck out his chest and pulled the corners of his shirt for the best view. The black shirt, for Severus Snape fan shirts were always black, of course, detailed a catoonish, weak-chinned cariacture of Guilderoy Lockhart weeping, blowing his nose on an off- white(for contrast, of course) _I 'heart' Snape_ shirt. The caption read:

**He's Even More Famous than Me**

[My thanks to Dragon Soarer for this idea. =)] Severus's eyes glittered, his jaw clenched. "Excuse me," he said in a low, soft voice as he turned and billowed into his office. He had barely managed to slam the door and erect a silence charm when it erupted.

Laughter. Rich, baritone, maniacal barks filled the small, enclosed room.

"No wonder Lockhart was pissed," he gasped after a minute, wiping his eyes. After composing himself, he fixed an appropriate scowl on his face before reappearing before the boy.

"Turn to page 418 and get started."

As the child hussled to comply, Severus added in a lower voice, "Five points to Gryffindor."

Harry froze in shock.

…

"Severus, when are you going to stop this nonsense?" Lockheart huffed the next morning, angrily eyeing the increasing appearance of shirts.

Severus smirked. "I don't see the problem, Guilderoy. It's perfectly harmless."

"Harmless?! It's out and out disrespectful!" The incensed man continued to vent. Severus tuned him out, scoffing internally. _The man didn't have problems with it until it affected him, personally. _

…

Severus billowed his way toward the dungeon in an extremely chipper mood. That is until he saw a puff of smoke down the corridor, followed by the assault on his sensitive ears in the form of hysterical shrieking. As the stampede came closer, Snape's eyes widened.

Girls. Lots of them, armed with quills, parchment, and rope. _Rope?!_

"F-f-fan girls?!" Severus spluttered. He raced down the corridor that he had just taken. For the first time in his teaching career, Severus Tobias Snape was going to be late to his potions class.

"HARRY POTTER! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" And, of course, the entire school heard him.


	8. Snape's Harry Little Problem

Disclaimer: Harry Potter Books are the intellectual and financial property of J.K. Rowling. I receive no financial compensation for writing fanfiction. I merely get the fantastical pleasure of playing in her world, and you get the pleasure..or displeasure…of reading the result.

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The Severus Snape Fan CLub

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* * *

Harry sank to his knees down an abandoned corridor, crying softly. He had fled the hospital wing shortly after seeing one of his best friends lying inanimate on the infirmary bed.

"What do you think you are _doing_, Potter?" A baritone voice snarled suddenly. Harry looked up miserably as a black-clad figure stepped into view. "There's a monster on the loose inside the castle, and you're to be found _alone_ in an abandoned corridor? _Get up!_"

Harry stood slowly and lifted his red rimmed emerald eyes. Snape flinched as he saw them. He turned his back on him. "Follow me, Mr. Potter."

Severus felt oddly satisfied as he heard a gentle pitter-patter fall in line behind him. "You will be serving a detention from me, as I distinctly recall Professor McGonagall issuing a rule stating that no student is to be in the halls without escort of a staff member."

He received a sniffle in reply.

"Oh, for _Merlin's_ sake, Potter!" He cried in exasperation. He pulled a piece of cloth from his robes, suspiciously resembling a handkerchief. He thrust it behind him. "Here."

"Thank you, sir," a soft voice hiccupped. Severus startled slightly. The gratitude _appeared_ sincere enough.

* * *

Severus sighed in relief as he stalked the corridor, relieved by the unnaturally empty hallway, yet oddly disturbed at the same time. _No fan girls, at least_, he mused with a smirk. He found himself in a rather peculiar good mood. The detention with Potter went rather well. For once, the boy didn't wear one of those annoying shirts. The boy had come to the detention on time, just as Severus had returned from Diagon Alley for some shopping. He simply needed some things for his house, including some more shampoo and bath wash.

He left the brat to his potions, for Potter had improved enough to be trusted with such a simple brew. He was looking for a key ingredient for his own potion in his private stores. When he returned, the Potter scion was standing next to his desk, looking rather smug. _Probably proud of his improvements,_ Severus thought to himself. _I suppose I can't begrudge him of that. He has improved considerably._

...

Severus raked a hand through his silky, black hair as he purposed toward the Great Hall. _Odd_, he mused as a wonderful mixed scent of rain and sandalwood wafted before his nose. _The manufacturers of my shampoo must have changed the formula_. He entered the dining hall for breakfast. Heads turned in his direction as he gracefully strode toward the teacher's table. He frowned at the pointing and whispers. _What's with __**them**__?_

He sat in his customary seat as his folded his napkin into his lap and picked up his fork.

"Mmm," Minerva purred. Severus froze as he turned to face her. The old cat was sniffing the air. Dumbledore's eyes twinkled as he glanced over at the frowning potions master.

"Severus, I _must_ say, your hair is quite the attraction this morning," the headmaster said.

Guilderoy Lockhart turned to face him, a shocked expression on his face. "Severus, you _must_ tell me of the new shampoo you've been using. Your hair looks fantastic! _Do_ tell your secret. We famous people must stick together, you know." He winked.

Severus blinked stupidly as he absently answered the idiot. Frowning, he conjured a mirror from his table napkin and peered into it. To his shock, his black greasy hair, rather than lying flat on his head, was bouncing gracefully in wavy, silky black stands. He blinked his surprise. He looked up; several of the female students looked away, giggling madly and blushing. He sighed and looked away, only to catch the emerald eye of a teen with untidy hair, smirking with grim satisfaction.

_Potter,_ Severus scowled. _What the _**hell**_ did you _**do**_ to my shampoo?_

...

Severus picked up the bottle shampoo and pointed his wand at the container. The bottle morphed from his usual brand to a completely different label. "Impressive bit of transfiguration, _Potter_," he spat. The new shampoo worked surprisingly well at removing the potions residue from his hair. Severus made a mental note to find out where the new shampoo could be bought. Smirking, he made his way to the Grand Hall for lunch.

…

Severus blinked in surprise as Guilderoy Lockhart glared over at him. _What's his problem—ah!_ Severus pursed his lips, resisting a sudden urge to snicker. The Defense teacher had tried Severus's old shampoo, and the result had left the man's _usually_ handsome curly hair lank and greasy on his strangely pointed head. The man didn't look nearly as handsome in the new look. Severus glanced over at Potter's table to see the boy's reaction. The boy blinked stupidly at his inept defense teacher before ducking his head, concealing a small grin. The boy's shoulders shook slightly, giving the impression that the boy was laughing silently. Severus smirked.

Suddenly, his eyes narrowed. _Hmmm, Potter seems a little short for his age. He's almost a head shorter than the rest of the boys his age. I never noticed before._

…

"Nice hair, Professor," the brat whispered cheekily. Severus hitched a scowl on his face. "_Get_ in the classroom, Potter."

The brat grinned and scampered off. Severus fought a smirk and followed him inside. He eyed the students with a well-placed scowl. The girls in class sighed, eyeing him with adoration.

He whipped around impressively, _this_ time his scowl genuine. "Turn to page 136. We will be working on a bruise paste, as you _graceless_ dunderheads are at the age to bruise easily, not to mention the increased recklessness and _false_ bravado. I will accept nothing less than perfection on this project. Well, get to work!" He snapped irritably.

Harry smirked and began gathering ingredients and setting up his cauldron. _After all, this paste could come in handy, especially while living at the Dursleys._ Harry put his new potions skills to use, analyzing the book's set of instructions. Harry made a face, unaware that he was being watched.

_The boy's already noticed the problems with the book's rigid adherence to the traditional recipes_, Severus mused to himself. _Perhaps Potter isn't as inept as I previously thought._

Harry smiled to himself as he finished adapting the instructions from the book. He lit the fire beneath his cauldron and set to work. _Perhaps things won't be so bad at the Dursleys, if I take enough of this formula with me during the summer._ Harry shuddered at the thought of returning to the Dursleys.

Severus frowned thoughtfully as he watched the boy tremble. _**Peculiar**__. Potter looks pale. I wonder what would affect the boy so much._

Harry smirked in grim satisfaction as the paste clurped happily in his cauldron. The color was paler than the book described, but Harry believed the effects to be more potent.

Severus hid his astonishment. _This formula could possibly be as effective as my own modifications._ He nodded curtly. "Acceptable, Potter," he said softly as he turned to watch other young brewers.

Harry's eyes widened in surprise. _He actually __**liked**__ it! Well, if it's good enough for Professor Snape to like—_he conjured several jars and began gouging the gluttonous substance from the cauldron.

Severus shot Potter a double take as the child filled jars with the paste. He frowned as he noted the grim expression on the boy's face. _Potter's becoming more of a mystery by the moment. Why would he need ten jars of bruise paste? Surely he doesn't injure himself _**that**_ much during Quidditch._

Harry labeled and dated the jars, carefully placing them, minus the one he was handing in to Snape, in his bag and began cleaning his station. He bit his lip sorrowfully as he noted Hermione's empty seat. _I hope those Mandrakes will be ready soon._

* * *

Severus skulked down Diagon Alley toward the Apothecary. He had just paid for very necessary ingredients when he heard a familiar stampeding sound. "Oh _no_," he muttered ruefully to himself and swiftly billowed toward the Floo as a gaggle of screaming girls raced toward him. He skidded to a halt as a group of girls stood between him and the Floo. Gulping, he backed up and turned, only to find himself surrounded by squealing, drooling, fan girls. To his dismay, Severus _also_ spotted a few boys.

"Severus Snape, you hair looks absolutely _wonderful_," a woman said boldly, and a pink tinge appeared on Severus's high, sallow cheekbones as several girls giggled and whispered excitedly.

"Will you give me a few strands?" The woman asked.

"_What_?"

"Will you sign my potions book?"

"Would you go on a date—?"

"Will you sign my underwear?" Several girls shrieked and charged him. His eyes widened as they dove at him.

…

Severus panted as he slammed the Hogwarts gates closed, his shredded black robes whipping in the wind, his wavy, silky hair disheveled. His black eyes darted around in paranoid frenzy. He jumped away from the gates as they rattled ominously, screaming girls tugging at the metal bars, reaching through the gaps.

"Severus! I love you!" One girl shouted. Paling more than seemingly possible, Severus spun gracefully around and strode toward the main castle door. As he entered the blissfully dimly lit foyer, he bellowed—

"HARRY POTTER!"


	9. A Little Ego Problem

Disclaimer: Harry Potter Books are the intellectual and financial property of J.K. Rowling. I receive no financial compensation for writing fanfiction. I merely get the fantastical pleasure of playing in her world, and you get the pleasure..or displeasure…of reading the result.

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The Severus Snape Fan CLub

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* * *

Harry Potter sprinted haphazardly toward Moaning Mertle's bathroom. He threw the door open and raced into a stall, locking the door, panting as he tried to catch his wind. He gasped as he heard the muffled voices of the upper year boys that had tried to hex him. It was the same boys that had previously been in the group that accused him of setting the Chamber of Secrets open.

He thought they would quit chasing him after Hermione had been Petrified, since everyone else started leaving him alone, but it seemed that these particular boys didn't need an excuse to hate him.

Silence. Harry waited for a few minutes before venturing a peek. As soon as his head ducked out of the bathroom door, a hand grabbed him roughly by the collar.

"Well, _well_. Potty took up residence in the girl's bathroom," the seventh-year sneered, leering menacingly down at the smaller-than-average boy.

…

Severus scowled, his eyes on the clock. _So it begins. I always knew Potter would eventually get tired of his little game._ As the minutes ticked by, Severus's frown intensified. _Arrogant whelp! How dare he be late!_

_Tick. Tick. Tick._

_I'm not worried about him. Good riddance as far as I'm concerned!_

_Tick. Tick. Tick._

_At least I won't be wasting my time on him anymore._

_Tick. Tick. Tick._

_He's probably in the Gryffindor commons, having a good laugh at the greasy potion master's expense. Well, I don't need him!_

_Tick. Tick. Tick._

"SHUT UP!" He snarled, blasting the clock off the wall as he stood. "Potter, you'd better be in your common room, designing another one of your wretched shirts!"

He swept across the room and wrenched the door open, pulling with it someone who had just clasped the door knob. Severus Snape stared in shock.

Standing in the door frame, dripping head to toe with a dark, oily substance was Harry James Potter. The dejected expression the boy wore vanished immediately, a delighted smile gracing his features.

"_Professor_ Snape! Sorry I was late! Shall we get started?"

Severus blinked. Then, he scowled. "Where's your escort, Mr. Potter? And _why_ do you look like someone on the receiving end of a tar and feathering?"

Potter's eyes darkened for a minute, but it vanished just as quickly. He shrugged. "My escort is off to inform Professor Dumbledore of our new discovery. We struck oil in Moaning Mertle's bathroom."

Snape raised a brow. With a swish of his wand, the oil substance vanished, the only evidence of its presence the very slick strands of untidy hair sticking out in greasy clumps.

"Very well, Potter," he clipped, "You may turn to page two hundred sixteen and get started."

As the boy began his next project, Severus studied the latest shirt:

_**Private Property of the Snark Shark  
Do NOT Approach **_(front)_**  
Violators will be Verbally Eviscerated **_(back)

Severus snorted.

Potter looked up. "Sir?"

"Nothing, Potter."

* * *

Severus winced and stalked toward the headmaster's office, trying to ignore the shrieks of fan girls. He flinched repeatedly as several girls touched his robes, his hair, and his skin.

"I found a hair!" One girl exclaimed and was immediately tackled by shrieking fans.

_Idiot. Of course, she'd have to broadcast the fact to the rest of the vultures. I hope some of them sustain life-threatening injurie_s, Severus smirked viciously as he made his way to the gargoyle. He whispered the password, leaving the fan girls and_ boys_ behind as the stair spun.

"_Honestly_, Albus, why in Merlin's name do you allow them on the grounds?"

"There's no harm in it. Besides, I find their company rather enjoyable."

"You _would_," Severus muttered darkly.

The Headmaster's eyes twinkled. "At any rate, they are rather entertaining. Especially this morning."

Severus frowned. _I will not ask. I will not ask. I will not ask…_

"_Well_?"

"You know how well warded your quarters are? Imagine seeing someone thrown from Salazar's portrait over…and over…and—"

Severus's lips twitched. "I get the point, Albus. But how did they even know the location of the portrait?"

The headmaster shrugged. "I might have accidently let slip—"

Severus was mortified. "_ALBUS_! How could you…_do_ that?"

Dumbledore smiled serenely. "Well, this is _Sal_ we're talking about. Your quarter has more than one entrance. I've provided the teaching staff with _endless_ entertainment. All we have to do is Disillusion ourselves and enjoy the show."

Severus raised a brow. "Are you _sure_ you are a Light wizard?"

* * *

Severus whistled as he made his way to breakfast. He was cheerfully greeted by several students, greetings he returned with a curt nod. As he made his way into the Grand Hall, he stopped short, blinking. There were hundreds of them, each four inches tall, scowling, smirking, billowing across the tabletops, brewing mini-potions, swooping gracefully around cups of pumpkin juice.

Severus scowled at the nearest one; it immediately sneered back. Severus opened his mouth to retort and closed it.

"Speech _is_ difficult, _isn't_ it?" it drawled, sounding as though it had just inhaled helium. "Your gross incompetence is astonishing."

Severus 's eyes widened. He glared. "I _beg_ your pardon?"

"Why bother _attempting_ to sound intelligent?" It snarked. "As cognitively inept as you _undoubtedly_ are, all you can _possibly_ hope to achieve is _not_ inserting your hideously elongated foot into your excessively substantial oral cavity. It's _better_ not to articulate at all. Stupidity _isn't_ becoming. _Neither_ is _begging_."

Severus was livid. "Why, you _insolent_, little—"

"_Hey_, Professor," Potter called, beaming.

"_Potter_," he spat. "What the _hell_ are _these_ things?"

Potter smiled. "Aren't they fantastic? I call them mini-Snapes. They are five galleons apiece. They're my best seller! Oddly enough, they keep getting into duels and fist fights. I have to keep them separated, for the most part. Hey, you two! Stop _that_!" Potter yelled, approaching two on the table and pulling them apart.

"_Potter_!" One of them snarled. "Unhand me this instant, or you'll find certain _choice_ parts of your anatomy in my potions!"

Potter grinned as he held each between his thumb and forefinger. "Aren't they cute?"

Severus's eyes widened. _Cute?_

"A _thousand_ points from Gryffindor!" The other one snapped, clearly miffed at being referred to in such a way.

Severus pinched the bridge of his nose and strode away.

…

"I'm not sure I can take much more of this. I may end up losing what little sanity I have left."

"I thought _that_ had already happened," a helium-sounding baritone voice drawled.

"Shut up!" Severus snapped, glaring at the four inch effigy Potter had _oh-so-generously_ bought and left on his desk as a gift.

"First sign of madness, _talking_ to yourself."

"_You_ are _not_ me!" Severus spat, his eyes glittering with rage.

"Of _course_, I'm not. _Obviously_ I'm not as wretchedly _pathetic_ as you are. _Look_ at you, sitting with your back toward the insufferably cold stone wall, drowning in your own pitiable sorrows, talking to a four inch piece of transfigured plastic…your very _psyche_ screams…_needy_." It smirked evilly.

Severus snatched it from the floor where it had been billowing mockingly for the last ten minutes. "I AM _NOT_ NEEDY!" He bellowed, his breath causing the effigy's hair to blow about its face.

It grimaced. "When you finish trying to convince yourself of that worthless drivel, _do_ have mint tea. _Lots_ of it. In fact, make sure that there is more _mint_ in the brewed beverage than tea."

Severus trembled, his eyes popping wildly.

"On second thought, _don't_ wait. It's likely that your putrid breath will—

Severus growled loudly in irritation, drowning out the figurine's words.

"—nuclear fallout—"

"HARRY JAMES POTTER!"

A little boy in Japan looked around, frowning. "Nani? Dou shita no?"

His companion shrugged. "Toire wa doko desu ka?"

And lying on a cozy divan in one corner of the Gryffindor common room, Harry Potter sighed in a satisfied manner. Smiling a small smile, he snuggled comfortably under a throw and closed his eyes, imagining a romantic relationship with the concept that many called 'Karma.'


	10. Smile For The Camera

Disclaimer: Harry Potter Books are the intellectual and financial property of J.K. Rowling. I receive no financial compensation for writing fan fiction. I merely get the fantastical pleasure of playing in her world, and you get the pleasure...or displeasure…of reading the result.

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ThE SeVeRuS SnApE FaN ClUb

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* * *

Severus was having a bad day. The Lockhart fool had the entire Hogwarts campus littered with confetti, hearts, and stupid dwarfs dressed in cupid outfits singing Valentine poems and delivering notes. So far, Severus's desk in his classroom was covered with red and pink envelopes, and his class was interrupted hundreds of times. Over half of the messages were for the famous Severus Snape.

Unable to hold class at all, Severus slapped a note on his door, dismissing his classes for the rest of the day. If he managed to get a hold of that hysterical fool, the Wagga-Wagga werewolf would be the least of Lockhart's troubles.

During lunch, the owls made a second delivery to their tables. Severus scowled at the large pile of letters obstructing his lunch plate, until he saw Lockhart bitterly eying his larger pile with envy. He ducked his head, hiding a smirk as he banished the letters to his office with a flick of his wrist.

He blinked as he heard a commotion over at the Gryffindor table. He sighed wearily before standing and making his way over to Potter.

"Get _over_ it, Ron!" Potter spat in annoyance. Severus eyed his newest shirt and rolled his eyes. A caricature a baseball bat.

_**I am One Snarky Bat  
Prepare to be Pummeled…  
Mercilessly**_

Severus shook his head as he returned to the conversation at hand.

"I'm tired of it! All you care about is that stupid fan club! It's not even that funny! Everyone knows the fan club's a joke!"

Snape's eyes widened as Potter's narrowed.

"It. Is. _Not_. A. _Joke_," Potter growled dangerously, his eyes flashing.

Ron snorted. "Really? If I recall, you started it to get even with Snape because of the way he treated you!"

Harry fumed. "I don't care about that anymore! I like being the president of the Severus Snape Fan Club, and I like Snape! He's cool. You don't know anything about him, because you've never bothered trying to get to know him."

"Why would I?" Weasley fumed. "He's a dirty, Death-Easting bast—"

"SHUT UP!" Potter screamed, and ran from the Grand Hall.

Severus sighed and turned to follow him. It was dangerous for Potter to be alone in the corridors with the monster on the loose. "Twenty points from Gryffindor, Weasley, for disrespecting a teacher," he replied without looking back at the fuming red-head.

…

Severus stood in the back of the dungeon classroom, watching the boy with his head on his desk.

"Ron's an idiot!" He snapped heatedly.

"_Your_ intelligence is _also_ rather questionable," a helium-sounding mini-Snape sneered as he answered, "If you are just now figuring that out, Potter."

Harry chuckled into his sleeve and wiped his eyes. "Thanks," he said.

Severus snorted in amusement. "Gratitude for an insult, Potter?"

The boy grinned ruefully. "_Hey_, questionable intelligence is _loads_ better than undeniable stupidity."

Severus scoffed and shook his head. "I suppose."

"Are you certain that your friendship with Weasley isn't a mere Slytherin alliance?" The effigy sneered. "So you appear more cognitively adept in comparison?"

Potter sniggered and rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I'm _sure_ that's it," he said sarcastically. "But that wouldn't explain my friendship with Hermione." He added. "She makes me look like a moron by comparison."

"_Wrong_, Potter. She makes _Weasley_ look like a moron by comparison," Severus corrected. "Compared to you, however—"

"You look like a sickeningly cute lovesick puppy," the effigy taunted.

Potter blushed crimson. "I DO _NOT_!" He snapped.

The figurine sniggered as Severus smirked. "Infatuation with Granger, Potter?"

"_No_!"

Severus's lips twitched in amusement. "Are you sure?"

No response, except a glare.

Severus gracefully swooped around the table. "Since you are down here, perhaps you would like to make yourself useful."

Potter's eyes lit up eagerly. "Really? What can we do?"

Severus's lips twitched. It was hard to believe that this eager Potter was the same sullen brat that hated potions last year.

…

Severus shuffled through his mail as he picked at his breakfast. He looked to his right, noticing that Lockhart was glaring openly.

Minerva stepped toward him and slapped a copy of Witch Weekly in front of him with a mischievous grin. Severus blinked. On the front cover of the magazine was a picture of a scowling Severus. Every so often, the picture's lips would twitch reluctantly into a small upward curve. Severus read the headline.

_**Witch Weekly's Smile of the Year.**_

He blinked again. He had won _Smile of the Year_. _He,_ Severus Snape, snarky _git_ of the dungeons, had won _Smile of the Year_.

_He_ had beaten Lockhart.

The students gasped as loud baritone cackles filled the Grand Hall. Lockhart glared daggers at him, which increased his hilarity exponentially. Students and staff stared in shock, awe, and wonder as Severus Snape, for the first time in memory, laughed in public.

It was ridiculous. It was ludicrous. It was unbelievable. It was ironic. It was stupid. It was…the most outrageously comical thing he had ever heard or seen. Winning a _smile_ award! _Him_, of _all_ people!

"Imbeciles, the lot of them," Severus gasped, wiping his eyes, still grinning.

Suddenly, the doors burst open and a gaggle of shrieking girls burst forth. Severus groaned as he stood and sprinted toward the back door.

"_Minerva_!" He protested. "I expected this from Albus, but _you_?"

The cat magus's eyes gleamed pitilessly. "Who am_ I_ to cease the tradition? Have a happy mauling, Severus."

Severus yelped and pulled the door closed, just in time. He turned and squeaked as he collided with a girl with long, blonde hair and big, blue eyes.

"_Hi_, Severus," she greeted, batting her long eyelashes. "You are _so_ sexy."

Severus blushed slightly. "I—appreciate the compliment, miss, but I really must be—"

She stepped forward, backing him into the wall. "Don't go, Severus. _Mmm_."

Severus yelped as he felt a sharp pinch to his backside. He grabbed the offending hand by the wrist. "_Control_ yourself, madam!" He snapped.

"Oh, _my_. I _adore_ forceful men," she gushed. Severus ducked around her and sprinted from the room. He skidded to a halt as the girls in the foyer turned as one and stared silently at him. There were hundreds of them.

A few minutes later, Severus slammed his portrait closed, panting, his hair in disarray. He could still hear the screaming girls on the other side of the walls.

"I pinched his _bum_!" A familiar woman bragged.

"I got his _robes_!" A different woman shouted.

"_I_ got his trousers!" Another squealed.

"I got a shoe!" Another yelled, and pandemonium reigned.

Severus looked down at his bare chest and black boxers, thankful that they hadn't managed to remove _them_, as well. He blushed furiously at the thought of being disrobed in front of all of those people.

He sighed in annoyance. Those were his favorite teaching robes, too.

"_Minerva's_ on my list!" He spat angrily as he stomped his way toward the shower in his private quarters.

...

Severus paused in his wandering in the corridor. He slowly turned and looked down. A first year girl was smiling, batting her eyelashes at him.

"Miss Vane," he purred dangerously. "I do _hope_ there is a particular reason that you are breaking curfew, one that involves an emergency?"

"It _is_ an emergency, professor," she breathed desperately.

Severus raised a brow. "_And_?"

He jumped back as she squealed and launched herself toward him, jumping up and down as she wrapped her arms around his waist. "I _love_ you." First Year Romilda Vane gushed happily, beaming up at him. "Will you marry me?"

He chuckled weakly before craning his neck in the opposite direction.

"_MINERVA_!"

…

Severus shook his head in annoyance as he drew his lips to him morning coffee. His eyes widened and he spat the contents across the table, eying his coffee in horror. He had ingested just enough of the potion to know who had doused him. Quickly pulling an antidote from his pocket, he swallowed its entire contents, despite only needing a spoonful.

"VANE! HOW _DARE_ YOU DOUSE ME WITH LOVE POTION!"

"YOU CAN'T HAVE HER!" Potter bellowed angrily as he stood, his eyes glazed. "SHE'S _MINE_!"

"_NO_! SHE'S _MINE_!" Lockhart screamed back.

Severus groaned. Sorting out two amortensia-doused people was _not_ his idea of a pleasant start of a weekend.


	11. An Illuminating Visit

Disclaimer: Harry Potter Books are the intellectual and financial property of J.K. Rowling. I receive no financial compensation for writing fan fiction. I merely get the fantastical pleasure of playing in her world, and you get the pleasure...or displeasure…of reading the result.

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ThE SeVeRuS SnApE FaN ClUb

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…

Severus huffed in annoyance. The school was unusually quiet, since Minerva sent all of the students home for Easter break, and _thankfully_, she had closed the gates to his fans, as well. The teachers were all antsy, due to the recent attacks and Albus's suspension. Severus tapped his foot, feeling strangely anxious.

_I'm an adult, for Merlin sake! Surely I can find __**something**__ to do!_ He rummaged through his potions stores, only to realize that he was all caught up with his personal potions, as well as Poppy's, _and_ Albus's. In fact, every single thing on his list to complete was finished, three months early. Severus growled, slapping his desk top in frustration.

"This is _ridiculous_! I haven't been _this_ bored in fifteen years! What's the _matter_ with me, that I can't even focus enough to find something, _anything_, to occupy my time?"

"You _could_ go visit the brat," the mini-Snape suggested in its helium-sounding voice.

Severus scoffed. "And pray _tell_, _why_ I would desire to pursue a half-brewed plan like _that_?"

"You…_miss_ him," the mini-Snape sneered, its lips curling in sadistic pleasure.

Severus glared. "I do _not_!" He snapped. "Shut up!"

The mini-Snape smirked. "Oh, _do_ pout like a toddler. _Some_ people, _idiots_ obviously, may find it…_cute_."

Severus grabbed it from the desk and threw it across the room, where it hit the wall with a clatter and slid down. "Was _that_ supposed to injure me? Quite the contrary, as I've been removed from your rather putrid presence. I feel relief, not to mention the fact that transfigured plastic cannot feel pain. However, as your infinitesimal brain is likely incapable of comprehending such notions, perhaps I shall pretend for your benefit? Ooh. Ahhh. Ow."

Severus growled and grabbed his cloak. "I'm going out for fresh air."

"_Privet_ air, wouldn't you say?" The plastic drawled with an amused sniff.

"I'm _not_ going to see _Potter_!" He clipped in annoyance.

"_Whatever_."

…

Severus wondered around in the evening air with no particular direction in mind, his anxiety building despite the fact he had no idea why. But he was certain it was Potter's fault.

_I'm being completely irrational. Potter's safe at home with his relatives. So why can't I shake the feeling that something bad has happened?_ Severus growled and swept toward the gates, toward the apparition point. _It couldn't hurt to check on the boy. Blasted Potter!_

When Severus appeared on Privet Drive, all was silent on Number Four. _Marvelous. No one is home. Wasted trip._ But for whatever reason, Severus felt compelled to check. He pointed his wand.

"Hominus Revelio," he muttered. A small, weak blue light glowed on the ground floor. Severus frowned. _Someone is home. A very __**small**__ someone._ He unlocked the front door and entered. He followed his spell down the hallway, to a small door under the stairs that, oddly enough, had a latch. He unlocked it and opened it, wincing as a wave of nauseating scents hit his nostrils.

Sweat. Urine. Blood. Completely alarmed, Severus lit the tip of his wand and inhaled sharply at what the light revealed.

A small, ragged, bloody mass rolled over and groaned softly. Two emeralds shone from the pathetic lump, as a weak smile appeared.

"Sev…rus…S-Sn…ape," the boy murmured weakly. "In…my h-ouse. Can…I…hab…ahn…au…to…gr—"

Severus shook his head in exasperation. "Hush, Potter," he scolded gently as he knelt. "Of all things to waste your strength on-"

"Wor...th…it." The boy panted feebly.

"Shush. I'll give you anything you want…_if_ you stay alive, you _ridiculous_ child," Severus said as he completed a spinal scan and lifted the seemingly weightless boy into his arms.

The boy's face contorted into a travesty of his trademark lopsided grin. "Au…to…gr-raph?"

Severus sighed. "If I must." He strode out into the darkness.

"Pro…m-mise?"

"I promise."

Harry smiled, leaned into the black robes, and closed his eyes.

…

Severus paced outside the curtain.

"Severus, would you _stop_ making a nuisance of yourself?" Madam Pomfrey huffed in exasperation as she tended to the broken and bleeding child.

"How could we have missed the signs, Poppy?" Severus spat, furious with himself.

"Signs are easy to miss when you are not looking for them," Dumbledore replied gently as he stepped into the infirmary, his expression sad.

Severus glared at him. "Well, _well_. Taking a tour of the school, Albus? And what is _that_ supposed to mean?"

Dumbledore sighed wearily. "I mean that nobody would have suspected that Harry was being mistreated—"

Severus snorted derisively. "_Nobody_, Albus? And why the _bloody_ hell not? I mean, this _is_ Petunia Evans we're talking about. Little _Miss_ Tuney "All Wizards are Freaks…with a capital F" Dursley. _That_ Tuney! So _don't_ stand there and tell me that we shouldn't have at least erred on the side of caution and checked up on the boy!" Severus retorted angrily.

Poppy rose. "I've done all I can for the night. He's stable, as well as he _should_ be. I've never had to work so long on a patient before. _Seven_ hours, Albus! We'll be exchanging words, when this is all over."

Dumbledore smiled sadly. "My dear, I'm afraid that this will not be over in a very long time."

Severus's eyes narrowed and he scowled at the elder wizard. "_Really_? Then perhaps you should enlighten us, for _you_ appear to be well informed."

A weak cough brought their attention to the bed. "I'm really touched, 'Fessor. Visiting me in the hospital, when you're so busy, being famous and all," Harry mumbled faintly with a tiny grin.

Severus sighed in annoyance. "Even when you're on your deathbed, you spout that _ridiculous_ nonsense."

"_Severus_!" Poppy Pomfrey scolded. "He is _not_ dying! Have you so little faith in my abilities that you think—"

Severus waved away her rebuke. "I was merely referring to the insufferable whelp's infernal fan club! _Honestly_, Poppy!"

Harry's eyes sparkled in mischief. "Can I have that autograph now?"

Dumbledore chuckled quietly. Severus glared at him.

"You be quiet, you sherbet-sucking meddler!" He snarled, curling his lips in disgust. "_Merlin_, child! All this fuss for a stupid signature!"

"You _promised_," Harry complained feebly, his pain-glazed emerald eyes misty.

Severus winced and flinched slightly, as if struck. _Damn that brat! He would have to have her eyes!_

He glared at Poppy and Albus, who seemed to be fighting grins. "Get out!" He snapped in agitation.

The two chuckled as they made exits in opposite directions. Severus pulled a small bit of parchment and a quill from his robes, conjured a chair and sat. He made a face as he placed the dib on the writing surface and began his tiny, spiky scrawl.

_Mr. Potter,_

_You are the most insufferably irritating menace I have ever had to endure during my Hogwarts tenure. As such, I endeavored to avoid you as much as possible since you began your academic career. You are tenacious and willful, much like your mother, and have foisted your unwelcome presence into my life. _

_However, I have recently discovered that your vexing company isn't as intolerable as I once imagined. You are not the arrogant bully I once believed you to be. You are still excruciating, bothersome, and a public nuisance, but you are also teachable, engaging, and profoundly amusing. For a Gryffindor, you are surprisingly Slytherin._

_With your permission, I would like to officially file your apprentice application and by extension, apply for guardianship. This maneuver will remove you from the Dursleys, permanently. If you find this arrangement amenable, contact me to set up a meeting at your earliest convenience._

_Sincerely,_

_Severus Snape  
Hogwarts Potions Master_

He signed his name with a flourish and presented the letter to Harry. He watched as a myriad of emotions crossed the child's face. Finally, tears welled up in his eyes.

"For Merlin's sake, _child_, what are you crying about _now_?"

Severus's eyes widened as Harry struggled from the bed and wrapped his arms around the potions master's waist. Severus stood there stiffly, uncertain of how to react.

"This is the best thing anyone's ever done for me," Harry choked, his voice muffled by Severus's robes.

Severus awkwardly placed his hand on the child's spine and rested it here. He tsked once and sighed. "All of _this_…for a spare bit of scribbled –on parchment," he muttered dryly.

Harry grinned and chuckled shakily into the man's robes.

"If you get snot on my robes, I'll have you cleaning my laundry for a month," he threatened half-heartedly.

The brat looked up, his pinched face forming a pained smirk. "_Anything_ for you," he drawled weakly, grinning impishly.

"Miserable _whelp_. Back into bed."

...

Severus Snape patrolled the halls with a definite purpose. The attacker was becoming bolder by the week. All of the roosters were killed. Speaking of roosters, he was certain he was missing something. It seemed like he was forgetting something, but he couldn't seem to completely put his finger on it. His eyes narrowed in contemplation. If only they could figure out who was behind the attacks. He rubbed his forearm irritably-

"There he is! Severus Snape!" A feminine voice shrieked. He froze as he eyed the dozens of fangirls in the foyer. "Get him!"

He suppressed the urge to whimper as he raced down the hall way...

"Really, Minerva, with all of these attacks going on, why do you let those imbeciles into the castle!" Severus Snape was pacing heatedly in the headmaster's office.

The woman's lips curled into a smirk. "Why, Severus! I didn't know you cared so much!"

He paused in his pacing to glare at the infuriating cat. "I don't! I find their prescence highly distracting from my duties to the school and-STOP LAUGHING! You know what I meant!"

Minerva wiped her eyes. "I'm terribly sorry, Severus," she said cheerfully as the dour man muttered under his breath.

...

Severus raised his eyebrows as he lifted a black T-shirt from Potter's bedside table. A picture of him holding a Darth Vadar mask to the side of his scowling face:

**Only a Fool Would Admit to Siring**  
** A Cognitively Inept Imbecile Such as You**  
**(picture)**  
**I Don't Care that Your Name**  
**Is Luke Skywalker...**  
**(back)Get the Hell out of My Way!**  
**I've Got Potions to Brew!  
**

Severus fought the urge to snigger as Harry shifted in bed, waking. His hazy green eyes blinked sleepily at Severus' blurry outline.

Harry's eyes darted toward the dark form hovering at the side of his bed. He tensed as heavy breathing reached his ears.

"Harry," the voice rasped. "_Harry_..."

Harry gulped.

"Harry...I am...your guardian."

Harry stared blankly at the dark, fuzzy form. Realization struck him, and he stared in awe.

"Did you...just make a joke?"


End file.
